You know, I've had a great time with this little contest. I love all the stories I've heard because, quite frankly, they make me feel so less picked on. For a while there I thought that only people who hated me gave me presents. Okay, I'm exaggerating but you know what I mean.
I tell you, I've seen the gamut. I've gotten some strange and hilarious gifts from time to time in my life. I've gotten re-gifts, used gifts, and gifts I ended up having to pay for. I've even gotten gifts that the person told me they bought the thing for themselves but then decided they didn't want it.
The first couple dozen times it happened I felt very sorry for myself. After many years of the occasional bad gift I now look forward to them. Why? So I can call someone who is a stranger to the giver to gossip and laugh about it with abandon which, as we all know, with abandon is the only truly therapeutic gossip there is.
In honor of all the really bad gift-givers out there--we salute you!
Katie's Story: Katie, a friend from here in town called to tell me this tale:
Katie has a dear friend, let's call her Linda, that Katie's known since high school, 20+ years. Linda has been in Katie's home a million times, has gone shopping with Katie, socialized with Katie, even worked with Katie for several years. Having been in Katie's home, I can tell you that the first thing you notice when you enter Katie's home is that it is meticulously clean and very beautifully Victorian in flavor, lots of silks, laces, and collections of porcelain. So what did Katie get her as a wedding present that made Katie's jaw drop? A primitive country style wreath--wait for it--out of barbed wire! Katie said she could hardly speak, not because she didn't want to hurt her friend's feelings but because she was terrified she'd blurt out what she was thinking "I hate it! What am I supposed to do with THAT?" The punchline? The barbed wire wreath was only one in two long decades of primitive country art that Katie had to remember to pull out and display when Linda came to visit and then bite her lip when she finally had the guts to put stuff into a garage sale while she simultaneously prayed Linda wouldn't show up at the sale.
Guess what Linda's decorating style is? You guessed it. Primitive country.
Moral of the story: Friends may love us to the ends of the earth but they don't always see the real us standing at the end of their nose.
Rachel's Story (in her own words):
"Okay, so I just had a baby- and a little over-conscious of my weight right now. And my mom gets me a bunch of sexy underwear that is WAY TOO SMALL! I don't even think I could have fit into them BEFORE the baby. One is green lace, one purple snake skin, one white see-through, and another is blue with giant white polka-dots.
I can't even return them because the tags are ripped off. Plus, I don't want to think of my mom when things heat up! Gross!"
Moral of the story: Mom, there are some things we just never really want you to buy us, no matter how good your intentions are!
Read more about the adorable Rachel, another southwest MO blogger, at Foodie Rachel.
Diane's Story: Diane, another friend from here in town has no idea I'm writing this one until she reads it but it's WAY too good not to tell...
Diane was understandably nervous the first Christmas she exchanged gifts with her husband's family. There were several kids, none of whom she knew very well at all, and ladies when it comes to buying extended family gifts we all know how husband's are generally (I know there are a FEW of you out there who know how to gift) useless. That's right. Like boobies on a boar hog.
But Diane rose to the occasion and got each child a nice book, an inexpensive card game, a cute purse, etc. For each adult she gave a bath basket or some small something that fit with what her husband had told her about that family member. There were several family members and she tried to keep it reasonable without looking cheap. They were, after all, newlyweds and the thought of buying gifts for 20 strangers was more than a little daunting.
The one thing her husband FORGOT to mention was that with the exception of him and his parents all the other members of the extended family had an odd habit, odd because they're all well to do in the money arena, of buying gifts A) from the Dollar Store, and B) things that had no special attachment whatsoever to the person or that would normally even be thought of as a gift. For example, Diane's biggest gift that year was to get a 1 cup glass measuring cup and the person who gave it to her beamed with the pleasure of giving as if it were the Hope Diamond itself. Her husband's biggest gift was a pair of socks in the wrong size.
When all the dust settled and Diane recovered from her holiday nervous breakdown, her mother-in-law invited her over for coffee one afternoon and gently tried to explain Diane's faux pas. The mother-in-law, a kindly woman, explained that she, too, had married into the family as well and even though she was used to their odd ways now there had been a time when she, also, thought the whole lot of them were nucking futs. She patted Diane's hand and explained to her that next year they'd need to shop together so that M-I-L could help Diane negotiate the Christmas waters since several bitches women in the family had called M-I-L to tell her that they thought Diane was quite "uppity" and "full of herself". They were appalled that she dared give their children books and games and dolls. What nerve!
Moral of the story: Sometimes even when you give great gifts, you're still the bad gift giver.
Sher's Story (in her own words):
"For me, the funniest, tackiest gifts often came from my Grandmother Bessie. In her defense, she had to contend with a very large gift list for her seven children and their offspring. Her income couldn't keep pace up with all the gifts she had to buy. So, she solved her dilemma by buying the same thing for all the kids.
It usually involved underwear.
She would go to a discount house and scoop up an armload of whatever type of underwear she decided to send us that year. One year, she bought bras for all the girls. Since she had so many grandchildren, and often forgot our names, she just bought the same model bra, in the same size, for everyone. Although I wore a size A cup at the time, the bra was so enormous, I was tempted to wear it as a hat. Then another year, she bought panties for everyone--in the same size. 
Again, she chose the biggest size available. I received a pair of panties so large, they would have fit a small elephant. My sister, who was 7 years old, received the same panties. It was very annoying back then, but now I love remembering those awful gifts. I can't remember the gifts my other grandparents got me, but my Grandma Bessie's gifts are still vivid in my mind."
Moral of the Story: Gifts are all about a grandmother's love even if you can use the panties for an evening gown and the bras as an umbrella.
Read more of Sher's life at What Did You Eat? Her blog is a tribute to her family's most important question after any journey.
Dee's Story:
Another mother story. Dee's mother lives in Louisianna and likes to gamble. Nothing big or harmful, just penny slots and lots of them. Frequently. So frequently that the casino(s) send her monthly gifts from her points. Watches, t-shirts, knock-off Ipods, alarm clocks, you name it. Anything that can be stamped with the name of the casino is stamped and shipped off to Dee's mother who's a slot club member. Dee's mom, in her generosity, turns around and wraps up everything she doesn't like for Christmas gifts to her children and grandchildren and even sweetens the pot by making sure they know that she got it for "free".
Moral of the story: Just because it's "free" doesn't mean everyone else in the family is going to get as excited about it as you do, Mom.
Deborah's Story (in her own words):
"My daughter reminded me tonight of the little penguin her older sister bought her this year as part of her Christmas present. You wind up the little toy penguin and as it walks, it drops little chocolate candy "poop"! Not tacky enough- the penguin and the chocolate poop were made in China! Note: I wouldn't let her eat the candy!
Moral of the Story: Just because manufacturers CAN make something doesn't mean they should.
2nd Moral of the Story: Beware of sisters bearing gifts.
Catch up with Deborah and her doings at her blog Play with Food.
And now for the voting:
(By the way, you can only vote once. The poll has a cookie thingie so that if you try to vote again it will tell you that you have already voted. So none of our contestants can stack the vote just so they can get a box of tacky used items from me. Because God knows, they would try to cheat if they could to get a gift from me so luscious. Snicker.)
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