Two New Cakes and a Lesson Learned

Before I get to the cakes I'm going to wax philosophic for a  moment because I know there have got to be people who relate to this. My whole adult life I've suffered from a triad of needs:  the need for perfection, the need to people please, and the need to feel like I gave my best or it doesn't count. Nothing wrong with any of those things theoretically but in practice what happens is I used to be one tired, resentful woman most of the time.  Up until the last couple of years whenever I did anything for anyone, like a birthday party for my nieces I'd go apeshit, quite frankly. I'd plan too much, spend too much, do too much work. I'd spend hours and hours worth of my time and energy that didn't need to be spent OR I'd lose perspective on what was appropriate.  Nothing wrong with giving of the best of yourself. That's good. But what I had no concept of was how to give appropriate based on MY NEEDS too and I fell into a very wasteful way of thinking that if I didn't kill myself creating something perfect then my effort didn't count. All of nothing.  The flaw in my logic is obvious now but for many years all I could see were those three needs for perfection, pleasing people, and giving until my fingers bled (figuratively).

Also, up until a couple of years ago when it came to favors and anyone asking anything of me, I didn't know how to say "no". It just wasn't in my vocabulary.  Not only would I say yes I'd put all other considerations aside.  I'm trying to think of some good examples. I think there are so many my brain can't come up with details.  Let's just say the situation has repeated itself many times and usually goes like this:  a friend asks for a favor of a cake, for example.  Not only did I say yes even though I didn't really have the time, I decided that it had to be from scratch even though the person wasn't asking for or expecting it to be from scratch.  Then the decorations would be complex and over the top instead of just something simple that would be fine. The end result was that by the time I delivered the little favor, I would be exhausted, had used up every bit of free time I had away from work, and I resented the person for MY CHOICES while the person who asked the favor had no idea that I was angry at myself for saying yes, had no idea how much time or money I'd spent on the thing.  The person was just happy to have a cool cake.  So the next time they needed a cake favor, who did they call?  And who now unreasonably felt obligated and the need to do something even more complicated and "cool" and resents that person even more just for asking?

It's a bad cycle and I have only myself to blame. A couple of years ago I finally started taking responsibility for myself and started saying "no" when I didn't have time or simply didn't want to and guess what? I found that the world doesn't stop revolving and nobody hates me because I didn't bake a cake or do some other kind of favor.

Don't get me wrong. I still like to do things for my friends and family.  I'm not a toad.  I like doing things for other people but what I've learned is restraint and appropriateness, and that it's okay to give what I have available to give in terms of my time and energy, not to mention that it's okay to say "no" just because it's not convenient for me or I simply don't want to.  Not every favor has to be granted, not everything has to be "the best" or "perfect" in my eyes.  I don't have to be completely worn out to feel like I accomplished something and saying "no" doesn't make me a bad person or an ungenerous one.  Those have been hard lessons for me to learn and, to be honest, I'm still learning them. It's very easy to slip into the old way of a lifetime of thinking.

That brings us to the new cakes.  Last spring we had the family birthday party for my niece and nephew, Jordan and Isaac, whose birthdays are within days of each other. The party was lots of fun and because I was off work with my knee I had lots of time to play with. Their cakes were incredible, if I do say so myself.  I spent at least 25 hours on the two of them combined and I was very pleased with the results.  Because I wasn't working, I also had that time to spend. Great.

But that's not the case this time for the other two nieces', Sydney and Kaylee's, birthdays.  I've worked all week and my knee has been killing me. Really.  I've spent the last week not sleeping well because of my knee and spending most of my free time icing it down just so I could work. I literally did not have the time or the physical strength to put into these two cakes like I did Jordan and Isaac's, but you know what I learned?  It's okay.  The world didn't fall off its axis and nobody died of embarrassment over how these two cakes turned out.  Not even me. 

So here are the cakes and then I'll tell you how I did them.  You'll know my secrets, even the one that had the whole family laughing out loud and fighting for one particular piece of Kaylee's cake.

By the way, the presents in the background covered in newspaper? Family joke. When my siblings and I were little we were so poor we couldn't afford to buy wrapping paper so all of our Christmas and birthday gifts were wrapped in the Sunday papers mom had friends save for her.  I admit that as a kid I was embarrassed and jealous of the glossy wrapping papers of my friends but now as an adult we all laugh about it and call it "recycling".  When I wrap in the cartoon pages, our kids love it. They think it's novel and fun and when we say the magic word "recycle" it becomes a badge of honor to them.

In the beginning I had grandiose plans for a fondant covered multi-tierred pink cake for Sydney with handpainted life-like gumpaste butterflies.  For Kaylee, I would make the most finely detailed Barbie cake on the planet.

Yeah, well, those plans didn't work so well.

For one, my knee has been killing me the worst it's hurt since I had surgery.  So bad so that a little over a week ago I had to call in to work. Since then, I've worked every day (evenings 2pm-11pm), icing it at night to try to get what sleep I could and icing it again in the mornings before I go to work. That's been the total sum of my life for the last week: ice, work, ice, TRY to sleep.

The only thing in my plans for the cakes that worked out right was shopping for the ingredients. I did get those.  The first thing to screw up even after turning the house and the attic upside down we couldn't find the Barbie pan.  The one where the cake is in a big bell shape and you stick the Barbie down in the cake.  My pan was my mother's from the 70's and I like the shape better than the newer pan which is hard to find anyway.  So I have no idea what happened to my pan but I feel a little sick wondering if that was one of the pans I loaned out that never came home and made for the rule that I no longer loan cake pans.

I needed to go back to the drawing board for Kaylee which didn't change the big picture, really. I just figured I'd either buy the new pan that I didn't like as much or I'd stack round cakes to Barbie's waist and hand carve them with a serrated knife.  By the way, I use real Babies and always did in my Barbie cakes. There's something disconcerting about pulling a legless Barbie out of a cake. It should be the child's Barbie, not a practical joke on them, you know?

A few days out I was going to bake all the layers so I wouldn't be a crazy person trying to bake and decorate Saturday morning. I figured I'd do the gift shopping and some decorating every day before work.

I went to the hobby store to get the pan and some colors for the cakes.  No Barbie pan.  Shit.  Okay, change of plan.  Wilton has a new castle set out and a year long contest with it.  The contest and the fact that it was on sale for 40% justified the purchase.  If not Barbie then a castle AND A Barbie I'm sure would work. 

I was on the way to getting it together.

Right.  I just didn't have it in me to stand at the counter and then go put the eight miles a shift on my knee we've been averaging the past couple of weeks. And I've been so tired from not sleeping well that I'm tired and incredibly draggy even when I'm awake.  Thursday, I set aside my pride and called my favorite bakery, Supreme, on National street, and asked for them to bake and frost an eight inch two-layered strawberry cake with strawberry buttercream, an eight inch two-layer white cake with white buttercream and a six inch two layer chocolate cake in white buttercream, no borders and no decorations of any kind. They told me they could do the eight inch rounds but not the six inch because of the late notice. Fair enough. That cut my baking down to just a couple of little layers.

The pressure headache in the back of my brain eased a little.

Gene volunteered to do the gift shopping.  That made my day. I was so grateful.  And he did well.  Although, it did scare me a bit when he showed up at the hospital while I was working.  You know that Mattel recall?  Yeah, well as much as I appreciate their honesty, they picked a hell of an inconvenient time to do  it.  :-)  Gene said about 75% of the Barbie shelves were clean and he'd gone to three stores just to make sure.

Double shit.

So he gladly went back with these instruction:  ANY Barbie or fascimile there of, that doesn't look like New York hooker Barbie (Bratz dolls) would be a good thing and get some girly stuff for both girls because all I had was one shorts outfit for Sydney.

This is what he brought home. Sorry for the lousy picture. I took this at 2am after I got home from work and I'm pretty sure my hands were shaking by that point:

Princess something Barbie in pink, the Barbie head hairstyling doll,  strawberry bubble bath, and a cd and cellphone of lip glosses. Woohoo! 

He did so well on birthday gifts I'm going to put him charge of Christmas!

So we had those two things down.  Friday morning I picked up the cakes which was funny in that the girl at the bakery went to get them and said "THIS is what you wanted?"  I said "Yes" and paid for them. To be honest, I was so tired and draggy I didn't even have the energy to explain.  The gal I had ordered them from knew me and knew that I ordered the blank cakes from them sometimes.

Went to work Friday and then tried to get a good night's sleep.  Gene and his sister, Linda, who's staying with us for a while had taken care of the house so that I had to do no housework for the party. AGAIN, I'm so grateful and happy that they took the lead on that because nothing would have gotten done if they hadn't. Hey, it's family. They have to love you even if the house isn't picked up. But Gene also knows ME.  He knows I feel more centered when my house is clean. So God Bless him.

Saturday morning and there were no gumpaste butterfiles or fondant made.  You know what?  Shit happens.  That's my lesson learned. Like I said before every single thing doesn't have to be over the top and perfection personified to be worthy.  I now know, after forty years, that the nieces will not end up in therapy and I will not go to hell because I didn't kill myself making gumpaste butterflies for this party.

I hope.

I admit I did lay awake Friday night for a while trying to figure out how I was going to reasonably pull this out of my ass all off though.  My mind turned over all the pieces and the time left, trying to make a plan to get it all done and still be in their theme.  I could feel myself boiling into a near tizzy, the kind where I get up and work through the night and then am almost in tears by the time the party rolls around.  BUT. It finally clicked that if nothing else came to me magically on Saturday, I could turn a small white plastic bowl upside down on Kaylee's cake to make the top layer, frosting it as if it were cake, and that I could melt chocolate to be Sydney's butterflies.  Voila.  I knew it would work out and I fell asleep.

Saturday morning, I made a big bowl of buttercream, my family's favorite anyway, stirred up and bagged colors: green, pink, purple, and left some pale yellow/white for borders, and set that aside.  Then I went to the freezer and found my emergency bag of Toll House chocolate chips, put them in a baggie, and microwaved them down, one minute at a time on 50% power.

While those were melting, I cut butterfly pattern out of an index card, then trace around it several times on a plain sheet of paper. Then, I laid a piece of wax paper over that and tape the edges together so they wouldn't move. This was my template for the chocolate.  Once melted, I twisted the baggie in my hand like I would a pastry bag and snipped a small hole out of the bottom corner to "write" the chocolate with.  After outlining, I just ran some chocolate in the middle and then spread it out with the tip of a dinner knife.

After sitting out a few minutes to begin to dry, I played around with a few designs of the buttercream and put them in the fridge until right before the party.

Next, I turned my attention to Kaylee's cake. I was still limping around and time was short so there was no baking little layer cakes if I could help it. I searched through every drawer and cabinet but could find nothing to simulate a six inch layer cake. Dammit!  Until...what to my wandering eye did appear? 

See for yourself:

I knew doughnuts were versatile but I didn't know they were holy until that moment because they saved my ass.  Gene whined for a minute that two were missing from the ones I bought at the bakery the day before but when Kaylee cut her cake he was the first person she served and she "gave" him back his doughnuts.

Whew...structural crisis avoided.  The decorating began in ernest.  Using the pastry bags I'd already made up, the rest of the decorating came together in under an hour.  I spent the afternoon with my leg up with an icepack, and about a half hour before the party started at 4:30pm, Linda helped me prepare all the stuff for the taco salads (Gene and Linda had gone to the grocery store for me for those ingredients too--THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!) and we placed the butterflies on Sydney's cakes.

They loved them.  Amazingly they didn't say "Where are the Ace of Cakes PERFECT over the top fondant covered, hand-painted cakes from your fantasies, Aunt Gonnie?"  Instead, they screamed and squealed "chocolate butterflies!"  "Barbie castle and MY pretty Barbie!"  "Doughnuts with frosting!"  "pink, it's all pink!"

We all had a wonderful time being together as a family, another time of good memories to treasure, and an O. Henry-esque lesson was reinforced to me that the joy is in the love that goes into it and being there together as a family, not about me killing myself trying to create some Martha Stewart fantasy magazine cover-worthy party.

Oh, and I also learned that even though I thought doughnuts couldn't get any better, doughnuts covered in fresh real butter buttercream, are a little taste of heaven.

Comments

[sher]

The first thing I noticed when I was reading the posts was how often you mention trying to sleep and laying in bed. You selfish B---h! You could have done that cake like you fantasized if you didn't selfishly insist on sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc. And since when are you supposed to enjoy a party? You should slaved away, and sat exhausted at the party, angry at everyone, on swollen legs. You have your priorities messed up, Missy!

OK, I'll stop and say that the cakes were fabulous and I want a cake made exclusively out of doughnuts, in the shape of a cat, with lemon buttercream.

[Glenna]

Sher--Your wish is my command....oh damn, I guess I didn't learn my lesson after all. :-)

[baking soda]

Are you leaving out the part where you are secretly pissed because some ignorant other gets away with buying stuff from the local deli, all ready made and that way has plenty time to look the hostess all dressed up, in effect has done nothing but unwrap the plastic boxes and pushed it on a plate whereas we are making things from scratch, look like hell (nights in the kitchen preparing) and she gets as much kudos for hosting the party ... or is that just me?
Ahum..I think you'll know by now it's me you describe in your first paragraphs, sometimes I think I'll never be the wiser...

Eeh, pretty darn good cakes you got there! Good job, no perfect job!

[Jenny]

What a great read! Your cakes look wonderful and I loved the donut top! I'd have never thought of it and hope I remember it if I ever need it!

[Deborah Dowd]

Glenna,
Very insightful, and a very common problem for women. We want to do everything and do it the very best, but sometimes you have just got to let go. Sounds like you've learned your lesson... and your life is the better for it!

[candy]

we are so much alike! i have been a perfectionist since birth. a lot of times when i make something for someone now (or like the work potluck on friday) i make something that i know is good but i NEED the oohs and aahs from the people eating eat. i need them to tell me how awesome it is. its not about the fact that i know it is good, its all about pleasing the people eating it. which, i guess isn't a bad thing if i don't let it get to me if someone DOESN'T say "wow, that's awesome". we want food to be good, right? we just all need to not be hard on ourselves :)

[Cynthia]

Glenna, you are so right, we all have been there and had similar experiences.

You are an outstanding baker.

[Glenna]

Baking Soda--Oh I so relate! And then there's the opposite too. I've had a few friends who HATE when I pull out all the stops for a dinner party. I'm doing it because I enjoy it but I finally figured out that it makes them feel like they aren't doing enough. I don't care what other people do when they invite me over. I'm just happy to be eating someone else's cooking.

Jenny--Thank you. Believe me, it was a miracle born out of desperation that I thought of it.

Deborah--You're right. My life is better for it. Now I enjoy what I do for others.

Candy--Yes, exactly. We want to be appreciated and there's nothing wrong with that but it's when those needs to be appreciated or build a perfect whatever go to the extreme that it gets ugly. It's not about those emotions themselves, it's how far we push it and how we let it affect us, I think, that's the problem.

Cynthia--Thanks. I appreciate that. And nice to know we all share that common bond.

[Tanna]

Glenna this is so spot on as anybody who reads it and the comments can see. Some of us just can't help ourselves.
Nobody will not end up in therapy and I will not go to hell. Maybe we should write that in lipstick on the bathroom mirror!
It really is about the love and times together!
The cakes are beauties and the doughnuts are too FUN!

[Tanna]

And that's a really cool deal with the chocolate chip butterfly!

[Katie]

Those cakes look absolutely awesome. You did a great job. The newspaper-wrapping made me giggle - we always wrap our presents in plastic bags. Yup. And we only use ONE plastic bag, which gets passed back to the next person after the present has been removed from it, so the next gift can be "wrapped".

Wrapping paper is such a waste of material and money. Of course, I'll use it in certain circumstances, but it really isn't needed amongst family, at home!

[Lisa]

Beautiful cakes. This year I ordered a plain (ocean blue) frosted cake as well since my daughter wanted to create her own b-day cake this year (Yahooey!!). We were on vacation until the day before her party, so baking was way out of the question (and having the oven on for an hour in mid-July just plain sucks anyway.) She created a beach scene (she saw it on the cover of a mag.) which turned out really, really cute; but, after purchasing all of the snacks necessary to decorate it with (goldfish, fruit rolls, vanilla wafers, etc), it turned out to be the most expensive cake we have ever made!

[Kate]

The cakes are beautiful -- and as you said, your nieces loved them, and that's the point.

But yeah, I've done that before -- run myself so ragged that I don't enjoy the party at all.

And you definitely managed to snag yourself a good partner. Yay Gene!

[Katiez]

Fun cakes! And story!
I hope your knee starts getting better soon, it must be miserable working and walking on it all night!
Congrats on learning to say no!

[Andrea]

What a great story! I love the butterflies.

[Deborah]

I, too, am a perfectionist, and always seem to forget that even though I don't think it is perfect, the people that I am serving it to will love it! And your nieces thought they were fabulous, and that's what really counts. I hope you are functioning better soon!!

[Glenna]

Tanna--Thanks so much! It makes me feel good that people can relate to this. On the other hand, that means there's a lot of us freaky people out there. :-)

Katie--That made me laugh! Love the plastic bag. Wrapping paper is beautiful but it is a huge waste. I actually prefer bags because they can so easily be recycled so that makes it a better choice and less expensive on everyone.

KatieZ--I admit I am miserable. Work is okay but I'm having trouble keeping any commitments before work because I'm so tired and draggy all the time.

Andrea--Thank you!

Deborah--Yes, that's exactly it. The nieces only see what's there and they know I made it. That's all they want to be happy.

[Glenna]

Lisa--Love that your daughter wanted to decorate her own. I think that's fantastic!!! I've been encouraging people who come to me for cakes to make their own and I'll give them advice. Several times now people have taken my advice and let their (smaller) kids help them and making the cake becomes a huge family memory, much nicer than ordering a cake from someone.

[Auntie Miranda]

You know, I'm liking Lisa's idea a LOT. I remember how much the kids loved decorating the cookies we gave away at Halloween. Instead of letting them dictate to YOU what they want, have a blank cake and the stuff to let THEM create their own cake. They'll be so proud of it because THEY made it, even if it's just gummy spiders stuck all over it.

[Glenna]

Totally agree. Nothing wrong with having the basic form there and letting them have at it. The four of them really enjoyed making Sydney's butterfly cake a few years ago. They were thrilled to be a part of it.

[Amy]

And here I thought Krispy Kremes couldn't get any better but covering them in buttercream sounds mindblowingly good.

[Glenna]

Amy--I know. I thought that too but, really, anything tastes better with real buttercream! Okay, maybe not roast...

[Coffee & Vanilla]

Wow, I admire your work.
I tried yesterday to make some Halloween cookies and then decorate them with icing from the tube.... it was disaster! :) I had in plan also to melt white chocolate and use for decoration but then I gave up and we ate cookies and chocolate separate...

Greetings, Margot