For all of us folks who’ve been married for a while and have forgotten how to do the romance dance, this is a very special recipe for evenings when you want to put the spark back in your relationship. Follow the directions to the letter to get results that will leave you smiling for days.
1 lb. Italian Sausage, chunked
4 Roma Tomatoes, chunked
1 Green Pepper, chunked
1 or 2 large Portabello Mushrooms, chunked
1 -- 8” Zucchini, chunked with skin on
2 tsp. Brown Sugar
1 jar Newman’s Own Sockarooni
4 oz. (dry) Spaghetti or Angel Hair Pasta
1. Dress seductively.
2. Set out cutting board, knife, and the rinsed vegetables on the counter.
3. Take the unopened jar of sauce into the living room, where your husband is sitting watching a game of some sort on TV, and sweetly ask him to open it.
Say the following as he does:
(Please note: This shouldn’t, but probably will, come out monotone for those of us who’ve never had an acting class.)
“Oh, you big strong stud, you. Watching you use those muscles gets me so hot. I can hardly stand it.”
4. Return to kitchen, ignoring any questions he asks about why you’re dressed in Victoria’s Secret lingerie and it’s not even your anniversary. Set pasta jar aside.
3. Brown sausage and drain.
5. Meanwhile, hubby will have wandered into the kitchen (during a commercial, of course) to see what’s going on. Ask him to chop the vegetables. While he does this, suggestively empty the contents out of his jeans’ pockets, but make sure the knife he’s using is dull so he doesn’t cut off anything important, like his fingers. They could be useful later on.
6. Add the vegetables to sausage and sauté over medium heat for 5 minutes. Send hubby back into living room by rehashing, once again, your psychologically twisted relationship with your sister. This will make him disappear so fast your head will spin but it will also give you time to finish the recipe.
7. Add sauce, cover, and simmer 15 minutes.
8. While sauce is bubbling, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain pasta and place in medium-sized microwave safe bowl.
9. Turn Spaghetti sauce off.
10. Go into living room and take your hubby by the hand. Lead him into the bedroom and proceed to have wild jungle sex with him like, you know, the kind of sex you all had before you got married. Ignore all the “What is going on with you?” questions and be sure to include at least one specific act that he has begged for, that your normal response to the suggestion would be “Oh, ewwww. You have got to be kiddin’ me. That is simply disgusting.”
11. While he's recuperating, walk naked to the kitchen.
12. Warm pasta in the microwave. Top with sauce.
13. Grab a fork and spoon for each of you, the spaghetti in one bowl to share, and head back to bed.
If your husband is like mine, he’ll give you a big smile and a deep kiss of appreciation before falling asleep, and say, sighing, “Wow, honey, that Paul Newman sure does make great spaghetti sauce.”